10 hours of thought

By Akhila Nagar

Today is the six thousand five hundred and sixtieth day of my life.

Once again, I lie awake in bed, my mind brimming with excitement at the prospect of another day.

10.30pm

My brain forces my eyes shut. The sooner I sleep, the faster the next day arrives. With my eyes closed, I consider the fruits of the coming day – a chance to see my friends and family again, an opportunity to learn something new, and a little more time to laugh, to read, to sing. The lull of sleep cannot keep up with my wandering mind. My eyes fly open. Close your eyes, sleep. I close my eyes once again. Repeat.

11.30pm

The outside world may worry about this phenomenon. Yet, if anyone were to ask me about my favourite moments, it would be moments like these.

I live for these moments, because they prove to me that life is a gift. I live to feel with all my heart the desire to experience another day, to sense an insatiable passion running through my veins, to experience those instances when I revere Time. I live to feel alive.

12.30am

The wandering mind first creates its own hunger.

Am I alive right now? When do I feel alive?

It then feeds off its own self.

I think of the times that make me feel alive.

I love to sing. I can feel a strange magic escaping my lips in the moment that a single thought transforms itself into a single sound. I hear beauty in the moment my voice joins two others in harmony. I am overwhelmed as I step onto a stage, my melody – a product of my emotions, a result of countless rehearsals and a mark of determined effort - laid bare for the world to judge. I am invigorated by the one moment that carries the break of thunderous applause, and debilitated by the moment that resonates the lack of it.

Each one of these moments reminds me of why I live. I live to sing.

I love to write. I experience sheer joy in the moment I, after a tireless search in my mental dictionary, find the exact words to represent my train of thought. I experience heightened excitement in the moment my pen leaves cursive marks on paper, or my fingers furiously press the keys of a keyboard. I experience a deep sense of satisfaction in the moment I write the final word of a piece of writing. I am awed as I realize that my words will remain even when I cease to. I live for these moments. I live to write.

I love to travel. My heart beats a little faster as I step into a new place, be it 10 miles from home or 10,000, and a little slower as I devour each new sensation of an unfamiliar world. I am thrilled by the sound of a plane taking off, of my passport being stamped, of a language I don’t understand. I am excited by the sight of a currency note different from my own, of a monument I have seen in a dozen pictures, of people, more people, and sometimes no people at all.

Wanderlust.  I live to travel.

I love to learn. I love knowing. I love to know what, I love to know why, and I love to know how. I listen to everyone because they all have something to say, because there is always knowledge to gain. I am intrigued by the discovery of a new idea, and the rediscovery of an old one. I am fascinated by stories of the past, narratives of the present, and extrapolation of the future.

But more than knowing, I love not knowing, for the simple reason that it allows me to know more.

And so I live to know more; I live to learn.

 A melody, a word, a step, an idea.

1.30am

I close my eyes once again.

The wandering mind’s hunger is never sated.

My eyes open.

Repeat.

2.30am

My tired mind is fast called into sleep’s abyss. Sleep stretches its resilient hands, tugging at my mind, willing me into a sweet sense of complacency, ridding me of my wings. I close my eyes.

8.30am

My eyes refuse to remain shut. They succumb to a desire burning in my heart, to a light flickering in my mind, to a passion throbbing in my soul. I can sense again my yearning to know all there is to know, to do as much as can be done, to succeed after each time I fail. I want to laugh as much as one can laugh, love as much as one can love, learn as much as one can learn, see as much as one can see, and live as much as one can live.

I rise from my bed.

Today is the six thousand five hundred and sixty first day of my life.